Battle with my Inner Demons

I woke up this morning feeling lost.... i had a dream last nite which rendered me helpless and fighting for my very existence in a make belive world which i have created Sub-consiously.

In this particularly, i remember being conered by 3 men whoose faces i couldnt remember.. they attacked me and rob me of all things... the first man distracted me while the 2nd one was coming in close. I span round facing the 2nd intruder and with all might i shot at a palm struck to his solar plexis(dont know the spelling, its 2 inches below the ribs, smack in the centre of the body), like the way i was thought in The Art, but i just stood there like a rock, impenetrable, i stood there shocked by wat had happened. A struck there would have knock the wind out of anyone. but the only wind was his laughter. Before i could think of the next move, i felt lost and helpless. Fear griped me, tightening my lungs, i lost my 'BALANCE' and couldnt get it back... That is when all 3 men started closing in, i kicked and tried to fight my way out but to no use...

i woke up in bed with the fan blowing againest my face, heart pounding and that bitter taste of defeat... defeat to my very own demons, demons which i have created and demons i will have to face in the future.. and in the next round i only hope that i have the will to do better... and at the mean time i need to forge a stronger mind.... but where did this demons come from.....

Love...

I picked this up from a friend's blogspot .. and it was a line recited in mandy moore's movie "A walk to remember" i couldnt recall the entire line till i saw it in Serene's blog

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

It is a beautiful quote, and i love to share it with all my friends...
May u all find Love in form or another and always remember that Love is the greatest power in the world........And as for me .....

My MiND....

I realized that the mind is a very powerful tool and at the same time it is the weakest too..
Recently a lot of things have happened to me, from injuries to near nervous break down(not really breakdown)....
below illustrates the few events...

i found out last week that i might need to have surgery on my shoulder, i felt lost and shock because of the many implication that will go along with it(financally, social and work)... and the big ass injection the doc gave me left me speechless the rest of the day(due to post injection shock)

and on saturday, at the AGM where i should have kept my mouth shut, i had just simply had to raise my arm unknowingly confuse the crowd ...(that moment made me sweat even in a 16 degree room)

the other evening when i was with a lady friend at starbucks, my friends had to be at the rite place at the rite time to catch me redhanded with her...
they had tried calling me earlier but i didnt hear my phone ring as it was put to silent mode... so they came up to us and said hi....i felt guilty coz i didnt pick up the phone...later that evening i met up with them and i just smiled..

and this morning i had a dream of being punished by army officers for being late for work and it was a nasty dream...

all this being said, i look into myself and introspectively feel that i have a weak mind...the little things in life can so profoundly afffect me and it seems that eventhough i think i am alrite, i feel that it is somehow not enough... i need to keep my feelings in check and not be so excited or nervous so easily.. but how does one forge a mind that can control all these feelings.. i am still looking for an answer..

Injuries

Ah yes its been nearly a week since i last updated my blog, today i will talk abt work, studies and injuries.....

i started the year with an injury (due to bball) to my shoulder and the pain has persisted for more then 3 months now, i recently(today) went to see the doctor (2nd time) and he told me i might have torn a muscle in my shoulder.. i was asked to take an x ray to see if there are any abnormality in my bones ... thank god it was alrite... he give me 3 choices to fix up my shoulder...

firstly, i could deal with it by not making it worse (which means not do anything abt it)

secondly, i could go for an MRI (will cost a bomb) and find out wat exactly is wrong with it.. if its bad i could op for an operation to do something abt it (Will Cost me an atomic bomb)

lastly, i could see a physio but he dont seem to like physio and thinks its useless ...

Well i didnt know wat to choose, so he told me we could try another jab (steriods) and see how it goes... and after one month if the pain is still there, i'll have to decide....

This means that i will not play bball for a long time and i will have to stop pracisting aikido for the next couple of weeks and see how it goes... for the first time i am really worried that i might not be able to live the active lifestyle that i am used to living...

Age .....

I had passport sze photo taken recently and i compared it with my pictures taken a couple yrs back...
wat i saw was surprising and i wat for the first time was AGEEEEE.. all of a sudden i felt old....hahahah .. i am only 25 yrs old, and as i look back in time i realize that the time goes by in a blink of an eye ... i feel that the things i had went thur back when i was 18 felt like it happened yesterady .. i still remember vivdly alot interesting stuff that has gone ard my life...

and most of all , at most times, I still feel like i am 18 hahahah but my body says otherswise... i notice that i have putted on weigth ... i am now 77 kgs compared to the 68 kgs of lean meat back in poly... hahaha i also noticed a certain fat gain ard the waist area ... hahahhahah .... i told my friends,who are older then me, abt that feeling i have.. wat they told me was to accept it, to embrace, to welcome, the belly making machine that comes with age ... hahaha... well i am gonna defy that... i promised myself along time ago(not too long ago) that i will maintain my 'figure' and i have started working out hard...

just yesterday i had a great workout (jogging and aikido) and my body is in a good sense of pain... well no pain on gain ... i hope i can keep up with this workout of my and be able to get back in shape before IPPT (army phyiscal test) and get a gold award.. i look ard me and see alot of older ppl who are in great shape and dont look their age ... one good example is my friend Jong, his 38 and he is still competing in tri-an..... his is a good example i should follow

I shouldnt be concern with age but instead its the state of mind that i must focus.. not neglecting the body i should seek to maintain and even improve in my health and fitness in order to live a full and furitful life

My Off day and my Views to the movie Hitch (starring Will (ME) Smith)

I have been having this dry cough for the past few days and i have problems sleeping due to this ailment....i met up with guna on friday nite after work for tea at bld 925 and we had DoJo Talks... i got back home before midnight and got to bed by 1 am ...

Saturday seems like a slow tiring day for me ....

i went down to northpoint to get myself a card reader and took some passport size photograhs for my G50 form .... i was inform by prem that jovin and gang wanted to go watch Ray Charles but i didnt hear from him after ... thank god i was meeting the guys... we went to play pool and chilled out at Mc cafe till 2 in the morning .... i saw alot of americans in town and at yishun, i guess the US navy is in town... other then that i had an peaceful and somewat uneventful day...

Sunday, Damn tired coz i didnt have a good sleep the nite before coz of my cough...
I met up with a friend and watched Hitch.. after a date doctor who helps balless men to get the gal of their dreams.. it reminded me of the kind of mistakes i made in the past while i was dating ... In the movie, i learnt a few things or should i say it enforced the past lessons that i had learnt .. here are a few examples

1) Give her space (example : call her after a few days from the first time u got her number once u get to talk to her or dont always call her, she might think ur obessess (some gals like it most gals i think) )

2) Be good and nice to her best friend (it will help in the long run and if her firends like u, she likes u )

3) u see a gal somewhere and u walk up to her throw out a pick up line .... firstly u better have a good one... secondly, u gotta be sincere (gals are like metal detectors to insincerity).. thirdly,be a good date and send her home(unless she insist of going back home alone on a cab then u'll know ur not the one) or u could use the normal apporach of saying Hi I'm William blah blah blah ...

oh yah make the first move, ask her name ask her number ask if she is seeing anyone (be subtul)

with all this being said, i am still single and learning the art of Seduction... i know my problems layin my shyness towardsthe girl i like... i am lost for words when i see her and i do the same mistakes like other men do...

it brought back memories to one of my very first lessons ... the story goes like this

it was my first time wanting to ask a gal her name and i was with my friends ... i told them my problem and they kept encourging me to go over and so i did in the worst kind of circumstances... she was with her friends and i went over and introduced my self and ask if i could get to know her... at that moment, that 5 - 10 secs of silence, the surpirsed look on her friends faces, that silence made things akward hahahahah and wat i got from her was a NO THANKS hahahahah (thats my version,i am not too sure abt hers) ... i smile and thanked her for time and walked as gracefully away as i could... hahahahha ... cursing my self along the way, asking my self wat went wrong, learning along the way back to my firends, telling them wat had happened... they laughed , they joked but they told me that i had one less regret and that i at less had the courage to go up to her ... and even though it didnt work out i lived that moment

wat i am trying to say is that ... timing is very important, u create your own opportunities and u have only that one chance, one moment to prove worthy ... BUt dont ever live with regrets like i used have, i REPEAT dont ever ever live without regrets ...

i now try my very best to live my life with no regret and i look forward to trying new things and meeting new ppl ... with that all being said... my advice u ppl out there who read this ...
watch Doctor HItch

This HAkama Was given by my Sensei... After nearly 7 yrs for training, i finally get to wear the hakama  

My BRAND NEW tozando DOGi...CHeck out the japanese character.... Thats my name 'Will'..... MUAHhahahaha 

TortUre ChambeR

I was anxious to try out my new hakama ... so on tuesday i went down to cairhill CC to train... i arrived early to help out with the mats and got changed into my brand new DOGi while changing, David Sensei told me with a smile that after tying my hakama i can go back home... i didnt understand wat he met till later...

In my new dogi, i asked Ai sim and Eugene to show me how to tie my hakama... while i was struggling to tie it, in the coner of my eye i saw david sensei standing there smiling coz i was sweating as if i had just participated in a run...then i understood wat he meant just now....

First class, i had the opportunity to partner Armando's daughter, she's only 14. I thought that i was really out of shape coz i was damn tired half way thur the class... and i wasn't even going all out ... then suddenedly in the middle of a techque.. Armando's daughter told me that she needed to take a sit coz she was feeling breathless and seeing white... i brought her to the back of the class and asked her to sit down and i carried on training with the rest....

After the first class, i rushed down to get my self a can of 100+ and spoke a few words to Armado's daughter and headed back to class....

I had the chance to practise my break falls, kumi tachi and it was fun...JOng and Alex (new shodans like me) were there too...at the end of class David started smiling again.... in that instant i knew wat was to come....

He was going to conduct the Torture chamber , an introduction to what is to come in the future for all new shodans ... u can call it a graduation of sorts...

he called all the new shodans up and started throwing us
next he made everyone take turns to throw us ... each of us took around 20 high breakfalls, it was hellva fun... a night i will never forget...

after David sensei ended class he told us "back in his days, this was how it was done" and smiled.....

U all better watch out a New SHOdan Is in TOWN

Muahahahhaha.... i have finally been promoted to shodan... i recevied my hakama in the 2nd class on monday... while i was training i saw Jong, Guna, ALex and Junko in their brand new hakama.... if only i had not injured myself last monday i would have gotten it last week .... now mynext purchase would be a brand new Tozando or Bujin hakama and it will suck me dry ...

i was surprised that so many ppl was congratulating me after class ... it took me nearly 7 yrs of training to get to shodan where else ppl took 4 yrs ... i guess i am abit slow but wat the hack i still got it .... getting this new hakama from sensei brought back fond memories back when i first started practising aikido..

it was back in 1998, i was at tanglin CC with a couple of my friends waiting to collect our dogi... When i recevied my uniform, i turned and asked guna where is the black warrior pants... and he gave me this disbelief look and told me that we had to earn it... back to present time, in 2005 febuary 28 i finally earned it....

Being a shodan does not mean that i have reach mastery of the art... it is just a small step towards the Way... My sensei said that 'shodan is like a newborn baby starting to learn how to crawl'... the path to enlightenment is a long one...as new shodans we must not be complacent, the only way to attain harmony is thur continous training and learning new things as my sensei once told us 'aikido techqiue is never ending, there are thousands and thousands of variation to just one techqiue and even in one's lifetime it is impossible to master just one' .... he always love to say that it takes 20 yrs just to learn ikkyo(first tech) and yet to find that there is more to it, the only thing acheived is a deeper understanding of that movement...

IN remembrance of my friends from poly

I went to the clinic today to get my stitches removed and got a day off from class.... i headed home and surfed abit, remembering Yin asking me to chk her blog.. i read a blog she dedicated to me and it brought back fond memories of how i met her ... yes it has been nearly 4 yrs since i graduated from poly and it came as a surprise that we are nevertheless still in touch.. i am blessed to know many wonderful ppl when i was in NYP(nanyang polytechnic) and i am still in touch with quite a few of them and Yin is one of them... even though she is in England studying...

Of coz there's another Wabbit(girl) that i remember...she told me NO THANKS...but i dont weather its fate or by pure chance that i am still friends with her...

There are also my buddies from ECC(Electronic computer communication)...eventhough i have lost touch with alot them.. they taught me valuable lessons of life, they showed me what friends are for(to be used)...

Without all these ppl in my life, i would never been the man i am today....NOw i am in the next phase of my adult life, i am in my mid twenties and i have met new friends and they continue to shape my life as i have theirs.....

Friends come and go but true friends are forever...